Where the 'O' comes from

Fuck, I thought. I was grotesquely interrupted while having a supposed time of my life binge drinking and recovering from a break-up with a man who was a functional alcoholic. It's ironic to drink for broken heart reasons and because you miss someone from the bar: you'll only end up spending time in the places you used to drink together with a nasty chance of running into the person. Talk about masochism! Please block the pity sex contacts so that you can go ring a doorbell at 4am pretending you are lost because you are but not in this reality.

So one day I got pregnant on a drinking spree. Indeed a fun anecdote to spill in random parties to total strangers strongly believing they will think that "Wow she has gone trough that! She is so cool to have killed an unborn featus, twice!" But in this case the party happens in my head and all these situations I am describing are half make-believe. A way to get through the day and rid of painful abstract thought patterns. If I imagine a detailed social situation to deal with a psychological  meltdown or overwhelming emotions during tumultuous life events I like to really live it up in my mind's drama. The theme of this party was probably pro life with a frog grin. You cannot and are not supposed to avoid suffering but it is possible to do it with style. I write movies and miniseries in my head. I am safe when I am fictive.

The people there, and yes this is completely sane, or maybe it isn't because I have to put emphasis on that, are fractions of my favourite tv-characters and I am the essence gathered from the people I admire so thereby it is a soft landing and an event full of natural admiration. It somewhat leads the conversation with myself because the people in my head, in that party, don't invite judgement.

Uninvited, judgement feasts on scraps and turns into a dark ganja creature-type of character.  Judgement monster is lazy and has massive munchies especially on mistakes. No one likes it. It is so sad that the more the creature eats the more experience it gains on judging and after 13500exp. dark ganja monster evolves into self-criticism. And yes, that is as bitchy as it sounds.

Self-criticism is a partygirl who goes drinking with hatred and fear, and they have a fucking blast, everytime. I often clean up after their parties and settle their arguements. Funny thing is that SC gets exp by conflict and is able to evolve into a creative freak. CF's the shit nobody messes with. If she has an idea she'll go trough with it. She is friendly with everybody and agressively passionate towards everything.

Behind all this theatre play is a girl who was fond of the beautiful idea of being a wonderful mother. Olivia, O, is a name I gave for my first and only impulsively planned and brutally cancelled baby. This child symbolizes the loss of the sense of Self and the rebirth of inner strenght. This is an elegant example of me wrapping my life around itself to explain every action and loss.

I forgive. In my opinion, everything can be forgiven. We should not seek forgiveness in others if we haven't found it in ourselves. I have accepted life's brutality, the fragile beauty and am ready to step out to the light from my darkness so that every one could truly see who I am. Because what are we if we're not seen as who we really are? Some characters of a massive play, perhaps? For all I know, I am the writer and you are the visitor and I'm still waiting for an invite to your show.


Kisses,
O