The extravaganza for the scared

I am good at building walls before my realistic goals. Calling them dreams generally has made them mystical enough for me to think I have to learn some kind of magical powers before I can enter them. Imagine going to a vaguely interesting show, may it be a play of an average story, a film of a genre you do not particularly like or a mediocre stand-up comedy or a mundane job of self-repeating tasks with an plausible salary and become satisfied only because everyone else approves your intention. What are the inner movements that effect the quality of our experiences? Am I trying to balance my sensation of experiences by trusting too much in the external forces?
How would you rather be measured outside?

Outcome: we either settle for average and what might seem safe and lose ourself in the process OR  get sick and start reaching out for greater things and learn to be persistent on demanding what we really deserve as an act of healing. All these attributes we gain in the long run of not-settling-for-anything-less make us the people who are, in a certain way, worthy of all those great things.

We might feel like we don't deserve them now, feeling sorry for ourselves  - but we might want to consider the fact that the attributes we're so afraid of lacking are aquired only during the journey to our goals. Feelings of exhaustion and enough rest are part of this process. The goals shouldn't be the pinpoints of our life because they are not cognitivity itself. Unnecessary quilt forms when we are not where we want to be  but we really cannot time travel (yet).

It also works the other way around: going on a journey without any goals probably will only be exhausting and frustrating. All these meaningless challenges! We have to know what we're fighting for. Of course there is always the element of surprise - it is rare but possible. But do we ever really find something we didn't know we needed?

I had built my insecurity so thick and long-reaching I once thought that is all I deserve. An average life with average people and average pleasures. My essence of disgust to the average, which has been one of my basic values since pre-teens, however, beat me to it. I disrespected that value and it made me sick. Depression, anxiety and what not. I thought I was not suitable for any of THIS which is partly true. What I didn't realize that I wouldn't have to be and that my REAL life was not going to hand it self to me on a silver platter. It gave me hints though, in the form of fear and anxiety. So I kept trying. The harder I worked the sicker I got.

Self-sabotage is a form of masochism and masochism is most definitely a version of violence. Leaving myself unheard in front of people makes me appear less than myself and apologize for who I am. There by I am lying to everyone and beating my self up for it. Definitely a very unhealthy pattern which isn't the part you wish to cherish and form relationships with. Nobody wants a violent partner.
In those situations I often felt that I deserve alot more than I signed up for. Once the contract is made however it is very hard to negotiate about the change of terms. So I kept trying harder. That is probably why I would always make the things or people win me over and just settle - always one foot out of the door, ready to leave of course. I never wanted a violent relationship. What I didn't realize was that the relationship I had left hanging was with myself. I was the violent one because I had willingly dwelled in an unsuitable environment.

This is a destructive model for partnership and I refuse to see the structure as such any longer. People are not property and we should improve and evolve through dialogue and mutual understanding, not punishment. If we set a certain expiration agenda every time we feel violated  we're letting ourselves go easily and destroy any potential for growth. Humble presentation is key - describing how we feel can prevent the bursts of our inner anger by first accepting our feelings and sharing them descriptively with "the audience". In a lock-down mode often reached by internal emotional attack we nullify the power of learning something new.

I see relationships as expressing one's humble truths, balancing between complementary roles and thereby figuring out these important roles in the sense of working dynamics. I'm exploring life's nurturing beautiful dimensions in relationships and amazing events of individual importance as the best tool for growth - the structures of well designed extravaganza and the experience behind it and also the importance of the role of the so-called audience and healthy responsive communication.


Note to self: Ask more questions. Don't listen to naysayers, neither the real or the imaginary ones.