It will pass

So here I am. Here I am at 0:11am sitting uncomfortably comfortable on the end of my couch wrapped up in a soft blanket I got from my mom. I'm approaching my 30th birthday which will be in less than three years from now. I hope it won't be as shitty as I remember all my past birthdays have been and I hope I won't go to bed alone. That was never a problem but now I feel like it might be. I'm done fooling around, I am so done. I am in dept, overweight miserable dogperson. I don't understand how I still have all this love left for myself.

"I will figure this out. It will pass" says the voice of the optimist in me. She is beautiful and has helped me through a great deal of issues. Somehow she manages to turn every loss into a pathetic victory or an educating story we laugh about with my best friends. I'm not a murder my soul/kill myself kind of girl. There is just too much to love and see in the world and who cares if I majorly fucked up the first thirty years of my life? I have hopefully about 60, well at least 40 good years left.

It takes about one year or less to get back to my ideal weight and I still am kind of pretty. I am nice to people. I'm okay. Dept is money. That is probably what weighs me down the most. How to deal with all this dept. Who will accept me in this poor financial state? I don't even know how much there is. Total fucking big question mark!

I always seem to know what to do. It's like I was my own spirit guide. I step out of my body and advice the poor little girl. I wanna work. I want a job that I love so it doesn't matter how much money I make. So in order to feel good I need to figure out the amount of dept I'm in and make some sort of a payment plan. Also need to win the lottery. When I am finished with that I will get back to you, tell you more about my life and how I got into this mess.

Peace out,
hugs
O

Kommentit

Lähetä kommentti

Tämän blogin suosituimmat tekstit

The symbolic meaning of the chili

People who can't take care of plants scare the death out of me. I was never a garden person but my grandmother was a gardener - still is, to some extent - and I've always looked up to her. Grams how do you make your plant flourish? There's so many blooming all the time. It's because she blooms as well. She puts thought into taking care of them and claims it's easy. Water and stuff. Not alot of people know how to water plants let alone other people. Let's imagine that someone gives you specific instructions on how care for something, what this specific kind of species requires to maintain health and full potential. Seems simple. It is. If you put your heart into it it is very simple. I have been said I've got spice in my nature. A special kind of chili so to speak. I have an instruction manual and people really should go with it. It is called caring. When I notice that effort and thought is not put in I cringe, crawl back to my shell and stop giving a fu...
Lue lisää

The extravaganza for the scared

I am good at building walls before my realistic goals. Calling them dreams generally has made them mystical enough for me to think I have to learn some kind of magical powers before I can enter them. Imagine going to a vaguely interesting show, may it be a play of an average story, a film of a genre you do not particularly like or a mediocre stand-up comedy or a mundane job of self-repeating tasks with an plausible salary and become satisfied only because everyone else approves your intention. What are the inner movements that effect the quality of our experiences? Am I trying to balance my sensation of experiences by trusting too much in the external forces? How would you rather be measured outside? Outcome: we either settle for average and what might seem safe and lose ourself in the process OR  get sick and start reaching out for greater things and learn to be persistent on demanding what we really deserve as an act of healing. All these attributes we gain in the long run o...
Lue lisää

Where the 'O' comes from

Fuck, I thought. I was grotesquely interrupted while having a supposed time of my life binge drinking and recovering from a break-up with a man who was a functional alcoholic. It's ironic to drink for broken heart reasons and because you miss someone from the bar: you'll only end up spending time in the places you used to drink together with a nasty chance of running into the person. Talk about masochism! Please block the pity sex contacts so that you can go ring a doorbell at 4am pretending you are lost because you are but not in this reality. So one day I got pregnant on a drinking spree. Indeed a fun anecdote to spill in random parties to total strangers strongly believing they will think that "Wow she has gone trough that! She is so cool to have killed an unborn featus, twice!" But in this case the party happens in my head and all these situations I am describing are half make-believe. A way to get through the day and rid of painful abstract thought patterns. ...
Lue lisää