Some mo(u)rnings


Fresh green leaves in the morning. Drops of dew on them. I tip my tongue in and get a mouthful. Sunrays in my hair as I run down a grass hill and dive into the sunset. Bubbly drinks. My girlfriends laughing. Birds. Mosquitoes. Sandals and heels on polished toenails. A cigarette. A stranger smiling. It's just the beginning. Summer is on it's way.

Some mornings of my life have been like one of those drawing papers. The natural creamy white kind of fragile paper that has a specific dry sound to it when you tear it. That's the sound of those mornings when I can barely open my eyes and I am so dehydrated I feel like someone vacuumed my mouth after I ate a bag of potato powder.

My brain is pumping blood or knocking to get out an my limbs feel heavy and loose. I have no idea where I am so I am reaching to my phone just to notice the screen is broken and the battery has died.

I look around and don't recognize the apartment so I look for the nearest door and head out of the room. I hear people but I will definitely not stay to chat or look for a charger but barge out to the hallway and escape from the horrifid reality that is my life. I take the elevator down to the bottom floor even if I know it's not the correct way out. I am sweating like a pig so I need somewhere where it's cool. I pee behind a car in the parking hall and reach out for the nearest emergency exit.

I'm not really here.

I swing my sword through a thick mist until I find the road that leads to my place. I don't care where my stuff is because I always hide my key outside my house incase something like this happens. It's almost like I let myself fuck things up by making the emergency plan ahead. If you don't have the safety of a plan B to fall into you wil probably do your best to follow the first plan, right? So the plan is do not fuck up. There's no turning back. Suck it up! Take some responsibility.

I don't hate this shit as much since I have you around. You bounce my thoughts back nicely. It is a false belief that we don't need other people to make us whole. It's almost like we don't need teachers to learn. What's the point of conversation if you can't reflect and use that information later in your advantage. We just lack goals! If you want something, a good self-esteem, for example, you find the means to achieve one! And those achivments always include other people, a community.

We are so estranged from eachother. We are afraid to step out and just talk to people. The things you could learn! I bet you are not alone with your problems. Why not ask advice from someone who has already overcome all the obstacles you are struggling with right now? How about that!

I pick my shield up where I left it last night. It's in better condition as if someone had upgraded it for me and placed it back where I dropped it. A blacksmith of the soul. Damn.

Now, here does not seem so bad. After all. It comes with perks like you.


Kommentit

Lähetä kommentti

Tämän blogin suosituimmat tekstit

The symbolic meaning of the chili

People who can't take care of plants scare the death out of me. I was never a garden person but my grandmother was a gardener - still is, to some extent - and I've always looked up to her. Grams how do you make your plant flourish? There's so many blooming all the time. It's because she blooms as well. She puts thought into taking care of them and claims it's easy. Water and stuff. Not alot of people know how to water plants let alone other people. Let's imagine that someone gives you specific instructions on how care for something, what this specific kind of species requires to maintain health and full potential. Seems simple. It is. If you put your heart into it it is very simple. I have been said I've got spice in my nature. A special kind of chili so to speak. I have an instruction manual and people really should go with it. It is called caring. When I notice that effort and thought is not put in I cringe, crawl back to my shell and stop giving a fu...
Lue lisää

The extravaganza for the scared

I am good at building walls before my realistic goals. Calling them dreams generally has made them mystical enough for me to think I have to learn some kind of magical powers before I can enter them. Imagine going to a vaguely interesting show, may it be a play of an average story, a film of a genre you do not particularly like or a mediocre stand-up comedy or a mundane job of self-repeating tasks with an plausible salary and become satisfied only because everyone else approves your intention. What are the inner movements that effect the quality of our experiences? Am I trying to balance my sensation of experiences by trusting too much in the external forces? How would you rather be measured outside? Outcome: we either settle for average and what might seem safe and lose ourself in the process OR  get sick and start reaching out for greater things and learn to be persistent on demanding what we really deserve as an act of healing. All these attributes we gain in the long run o...
Lue lisää

Where the 'O' comes from

Fuck, I thought. I was grotesquely interrupted while having a supposed time of my life binge drinking and recovering from a break-up with a man who was a functional alcoholic. It's ironic to drink for broken heart reasons and because you miss someone from the bar: you'll only end up spending time in the places you used to drink together with a nasty chance of running into the person. Talk about masochism! Please block the pity sex contacts so that you can go ring a doorbell at 4am pretending you are lost because you are but not in this reality. So one day I got pregnant on a drinking spree. Indeed a fun anecdote to spill in random parties to total strangers strongly believing they will think that "Wow she has gone trough that! She is so cool to have killed an unborn featus, twice!" But in this case the party happens in my head and all these situations I am describing are half make-believe. A way to get through the day and rid of painful abstract thought patterns. ...
Lue lisää