In Between Worlds

Fresh green leaves in the morning. Drops of dew on them. I tip my tongue in and get a mouthful. Sunrays in my hair as I run down a grass hill and dive into the sunset. Bubbly drinks. My girlfriends laughing. Birds. Mosquitoes. Sandals and heels on polished toenails. A cigarette. A stranger smiling. It's just the beginning. Summer is on it's way. Some mornings of my life have been like one of those drawing papers. The natural creamy white kind of fragile paper that has a specific dry sound to it when you tear it. That's the sound of those mornings when I can barely open my eyes and I am so dehydrated I feel like someone vacuumed my mouth after I ate a bag of potato powder. My brain is pumping blood or knocking to get out an my limbs feel heavy and loose. I have no idea where I am so I am reaching to my phone just to notice the screen is broken and the battery has died. I look around and don't recognize the apartment so I look for the nearest door and head out of t...

Since I have been on a break from psychotherapy I need a channel to aggravate all these questions and emotions. I don't know what the limit of decency is on how much I can poor on my lovely little friends who are also struggling with bunch of issues life related. On the other hand, sharing the problems makes you feel like you are not alone with this and like you belong to a club of everyone has issues. I love chewing on our problems over a cup of coffee or a beer. Wine preferably because I am fancy and my taste is very expensive. The feel of a little luxury makes your horse shit problems feel like nothing and then you can finally laugh. Because you're still breathing and because someone still might have sex with you in the future. Why does he like me? I am so imbalanced. When he hugs me I freeze. When he is gone I picture raising children with him. Do I like him? I am not walking with a minus account balance stamp on my forehead. People only see what they want to see and ...

So here I am. Here I am at 0:11am sitting uncomfortably comfortable on the end of my couch wrapped up in a soft blanket I got from my mom. I'm approaching my 30th birthday which will be in less than three years from now. I hope it won't be as shitty as I remember all my past birthdays have been and I hope I won't go to bed alone. That was never a problem but now I feel like it might be. I'm done fooling around, I am so done. I am in dept, overweight miserable dogperson. I don't understand how I still have all this love left for myself. "I will figure this out. It will pass" says the voice of the optimist in me. She is beautiful and has helped me through a great deal of issues. Somehow she manages to turn every loss into a pathetic victory or an educating story we laugh about with my best friends. I'm not a murder my soul/kill myself kind of girl. There is just too much to love and see in the world and who cares if I majorly fucked up the first thirty...